once i lived on the lakes, once i was beautiful when i was a swan


So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not as stupid as I may have thought I was. Well kinda. I still don’t believe that I’m all that intelligent. But at the same time everyone has different areas that they shine in. Mine happens to be music. I can have an intelligent conversation about music. Do I hang around people who talk about music like I do? Unfortunately I do not. And with that being the case it kinda made me forget that I’m not stupid and I’m not boring. I just have different interests. I don’t care about politics or technology or smart things. But we can talk musicals, we can talk about carl orff and which part of the trionfi is better (well not yet since I’m still listening to the Catulli Carmina and I haven’t touched on Trionfo di afrodite.) But I don’t meet people who even know who that is, or have ever heard of his music even though O fortuna is used in so many movies and commercials and everyone has heard it. But no one knows where it came from, no one knows what the words actually mean, no one knows that it’s the beginning piece of the carmina burana and the ending piece as well.

I’d name my kid Amadeus. I like the name it’s unique. Why else do I like it? It’s Mozart’s middle name. And mozart is brilliant.

So, I feel better slightly now about myself. No, I’m not stupid. Just the things that I know about other people don’t. And that doesn’t make me stupid. It just makes us different.

That could be a problem if you’re trying to find out if you’re compatible with someone else, being that they wanna talk about who’s going to be president or whatever science nerdy thing they like, and you’re too busy listening to the rythm of their heartbeat and that’s what is keeping the small smile on your face. It could be a problem to most but it’s not a problem to me. But I’ve already talked about why not having the same interests should never be a problem because that’s not why you form a romantic relationship with someone. I won’t do it again this post because I think you guys get the point now.

But like I don’t look down on a person for thinking differently than I do. I like the fact that they are passionate about something and they care about something. I remember was it last week? I think it was last week and I was sitting at Brian’s house with people and this one guy was talking about something and of course I didn’t know what they were talking about because they are all very awesomely smart people, and like I looked over at Josh and his mouth was open and he looked so excited. And it just made me smile how interested he was.

Anyway, so I think I wrote an angry blog (goes to look)

…I over reacted. To an extent. He was right. I was being stupid. It all started because I couldn’t talk to him about my problems. He just wanted to help. He placed his trust in my hands. All of it. And here I was barely giving him a drop. He was upset because he was giving me his all and I wouldn’t give him anything because I was afraid of what he may do because of what everyone else has done. But he’s right. He’s not everyone else. He shouldn’t have to be punished because guys are shitty. It’s not fair to him to be what I need for him to be and me not doing the same for him. I’m just running it back through my head and like… he’s an amazing individual. He just told me look here I’ll tell you everything about me I’ll lay it all on the table. Because I trust you. And all he wanted was the same in return. He deserves it. He has been nothing but good to me and I was keeping myself closed off. Had I been in his shoes yea, I probably would’ve said the same things he did… so I admit, I was wrong. And even though I got mad and angry with him he’s still sticking around because he sees the good in me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such an amazing guy I’m sad that we don’t live closer but I’m glad that we aren’t letting the distance stop us from being together.

I pretty much knew from the moment I met him that I wanted him to be my boyfriend.  Sometimes you just know you know?  He drove allllllllll the way to altamonte to my job just to see me for 15 minutes. It ended up being longer but the intent was just to see me for a short amount of time I don’t believe I’m worth all that trouble. I’m just Dyamond. I’m not smart, I’m not all that pretty, I’m boring, kind of slutty ( i didn’t say whore this time josh) there’s nothing fantastic about me that should make anyone wanna go out of their way just to come and see me drive from Mt. Dora to my store to see me for a few minutes while I’m working which means I can’t focus on you at all I have to work. So you’re pretty much just coming to watch me in a sense… and be okay with that? Why? I just… I don’t know.

I don’t get why any of them like me. I don’t understand what they see. Will thinks I’m awesome. He also thinks I’m beautiful and doesn’t see how anyone as beautiful as I am would want him. I’m not all that great. He’s a great guy and he makes me happy. Two good guys in my life who like me. I don’t get it. But I’ll take it :).

He and Chris have to meet soon. That kinda makes me nervous. Hopefully all will go well.

And I actually wanna meet Chris’s kid. That’s weird coming from me being that I’m not very thrilled about kids. And I’ve dated someone with kids before and never wanted to meet them. One guy though was 37 and had a daughter that was only a year younger than me. That  creeped me out kind of alot and that was why I didn’t want to meet her. He has two other daughters too I believe who are younger but I didn’t care to meet them either. But I wanna meet his daughter. And I understand that it’ll take time being that she doesn’t live with him she lives with her mother and that could get complicated. But it still makes me excited that one day I’ll hopefully get to meet her. Because she’s an important part of his life. And anyone who is an important part of his life I wanna get to meet. Same goes for will. And even Josh. Because I care about them.

Will and Josh met yesterday. -Big sigh- The whole time they talked about nerdy shit. THE WHOLE TIME!! like…. THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!! I guess that’s what happens when you get two big nerds together. I’m glad that they got along though. Will likes him so I’m happy. Because if one didn’t like the other I’d be kinda sad. So the fact that they hit it off was very uplifting.

Good lord this piece is almost 9 minutes long. It’s by Antonio Vivaldi Kyrie Eleison. The thing I don’t lke about listening to classical sometimes is that certain pieces were arranged and composed by so many different composers. And if you don’t remember who arranged or composed the particular version you are looking for, you are stuck searching and searching because it was created so many different ways. Like this one I wasn’t looking for, but I love Vivaldi and it was a really nice piece of music.

I lost my train of thought. I was going to write about something else but like magic it disappeared. I’m sleepy. I have to go cook because I’m poor. If everyone wasn’t so busy today they could have some of my tasty chicken alfredo. But you know hey fuck you too.



~ by dyadya on June 15, 2008.

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