Dear Darling,

Ow. And I could just leave this at that really. Because that’s how I feel. But there’s so much more reason behind the pain then just ow. But… I’m really hurting right now. You may stand as they applaud in your favor. For with out you this pain would have never been.

I was fine without you. I’ve always wanted you yes but after a years time had passed I had grown to accept the fate that I would never have you as my own. But once you came to me and told me the way you felt, my insides lit up. I was ecstatic. The day we first kissed was by far the happiest day of my life.

In my eyes, you were perfection. Perfection doesn’t necessarily mean without flaws. I loved your flaws too. I loved your blone hair. Your beautiful blue eyes. Your lips. The color of them too. That little smirk you do. The way you dressed was so hot. How you always told me things I didn’t know like how the fog was just a cloud that had pretty much fell down from the sky. You are so insanely smart and that’s sexy to me. You are so nice, and so caring about everyone it seems. And I was lucky to have you.

You took care of me. I felt safe with you. I felt loved. Something that I’d been longing for for way too long. I felt beautiful. The feeling that I had with you was one that was so different, but felt so right all the same…

What happened? Why the sudden change? What happened to you never wanted me to leave? What happened to me making you the happiest you’ve been in a while? What happened to that love you had for me?

What did I do wrong? I mean… I changed my hair but I thought you liked it… Was it the clothes I wore? Was it the way I was lost for words when I was around you? Was it because I’m not as smart? Because I’m not in school? Because I curse? Because of the way I wear my make up? Because I’m shy? WHAT WAS IT?!?! I just gotta know what I did wrong to make you not love me anymore…

Or did you even love me at all?

Love is a very strong word. Yes our love was new it still had some growing to do but it was love all the same. I love you. I’d do anything for you in a heartbeat. Anything… And because I love you I’d do anything to keep us together. To make it work. What ever I had to.

But what I don’t get is you left me for no reason. Pretty much. Or maybe you’re not telling me everything. Afterall after avoiding me for an entire week, putting me through fucking hell because I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, you finally told me y ou couldn’t be in this relationship. You said your reasons were stupid… if the reasons were stupid then why did you leave? You said in a nutshell you were trying to be something for me that I never even asked you to be. And you started to lose yourself or something. And it was stressful.

When did I tell you you had to change?

Who said I had a problem with how you were?

I never said that.
I always said you don’t have to change a thing for me.
Be yourself.
I’m going to love you no matter how you are.
I meant every single word.

But yet the reason why you are leaving me is because you can’t change yourself for me… Even though you never had to change one single thing.

Why couldn’t you just listen to me, realize that this woman is going to take me how I am, and love me with all her might? I would have been a good thing for you my darling. Such a good thing.

But being that your reason makes no sense, it makes me believe that it is a lie. Or you aren’t telling me the entire reasoning behind your abandoning of my heart. And leaving out things is lying too.

We all know how I hate liars.

You say you don’t lie and I some what believe that.

But I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I believed that you loved me too. But that turned out to not be true either…

Even though you say that you still do.

But yet you break my heart for pretty much no reason.

I regret this relationship.
I never regret anything because I believe that lifes hardships come to you to teach you something to better yourself.
This has happened to me before. There’s nothing to learn from this. I could’ve done without being hurt again. I’ve been hurt enough times to where I appreciate someone who can come and heal my hurting heart.

I trusted you. Something that I don’t even do with people I’ve known my whole life. I gave you my heart. Something that I was terrified to do because of being hurt in the past. But I gave it to you anyway because I thought you’d take good care of it. Being with you was a big step for me. Putting my fear aside for love. But what did you do? You dropped my heart into a volcano with that hot ass lava. You watched it fall because it was a mistake you said. Watched it burn up and get torn apart by things. And well the only thing you said to me when you finally managed to get my heart out some how seeing it in your hands damaged almost beyond repair, you say “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

What is that supposed to do make it all better? What am I supposed to say. “Okay darling it’s alright I know you didn’t mean to.” No. Helll no.

Your driving your car. Paying attention to the road but kinda not, but you are. Driving above the speed limit. Child comes in the road out of no where it seems and BOOM!

You hit the kid.

The kid is lying on the grown, crushed ribs and spine, coughing up blood. His mom rushes over crying hysterically and screaming. You call 911 and tell them what happened. The mother looks up at you saying all kinds of hateful words. Because her child is dying because you were careless and weren’t watching the road closely enough. The ambulance comes, the police comes, The put the limp child on the stretcher hoping that they can save him some how.

And what do you tell the police? What do you tell the mother?

“I didn’t mean to.”

Do you think that’ll make it betteR? no. Because even if you didn’t mean to that child is still dying. That changes nothing. For all they care you could’ve saved your breath saying you didn’t mean to. Those words mean nothing.

But yet… I still stayed up last night crying and praying that God or the universe or whomever would just bring you back to me. Realize that we can be good together. Give us another chance to make it work. Please God just give him back. I want to be happy again. Please answer my prayers…

Through my regret I’d still take you back in a heartbeat. I wish… that you would just not leave. My heart hurts. I thought that my days of getting my heart broken were over.

I thought wrong.

I guess… thankyou for the wonderful times we did have. Though now thinking about those times just make the pain worse. You aren’t a bad guy at heart I know. You still are a wonderful individual…

But you still broke my heart. Or threw it in the lava… And well that puts you at the bottom of my like list right now. No matter how good of a person you are. A person that just takes my heart and carelessly breaks it without much of a reason doesn’t seem like much of a good person at all.

Good luck in life.

Realize that you should never have to change for anyone.
And if they want you to change, then they aren’t worth your time.

Realize that a person should love you the way that you are.

Like the way I love you.

In time, I’ll get over you. I know that I will.

But I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. It just may die down a bit as time goes by.

Congratulations for being #1 on the list for breaking my heart.

This is the worse I’ve ever felt. Next to when my grandfather died on my 15th birthday this is number 2.

Oddly though, I still really wanna see you. That longing in my heart won’t go away and… yea. One day, we can be friends. Like I told you whenever you’re ready to hang, you know where I am. Even though I don’t see why your emotions have to cool down you left me remember? Your emotions muust clearly not be there for me anymore… That’s what I believe.

Have fun. Take care. And know that you let go of a Daaaamn good thing.

Love,

Dya.

(p.s. I’m really going to miss your friends too.)

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~ by dyadya on January 23, 2008.

4 Responses to “Dear Darling,”

  1. I just want you to know that I’m in tears right now, and I feel as if I’m sharing the pain. I’m so, so sorry that he did this to you. I hope that one day he reads this, and realises what a mistake he has made.

  2. not sure if you saw my blog today… {{hug}}

  3. I did just now. 🙂
    -huggs- thankyou. its only a virtual hugg yes. But it really does help.

    <33

  4. Thanks love.
    I wish he knew that now.
    I dunno… It hurts. Bad. That’s all I can say.

    Thankyou for your support. <33

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