Well I’ll start off by saying sorry to you all.

If you are reading like all these, which I am totally thankful for if you are <3

But I’m sorry for the many gloomy posts. As I cheer up, these will too I assure you.

Just… this is the only way I know how to let my feelings out. I don’t have people that I trust enough to really open up too. That’s always the way it has been for me. I don’t let people in.

I don’t know why I’m taking this so hard… It didn’t last very long quite honestly. I felt like it was going to last so much longer. I could see our futures together. I could see my life just… getting so much more lighter with him by my side. I saw us soo happy…

I’m going to take you back for a moment so you can just… understand me a little better. Though I’m sure some people do understand already. I’m not the only person that has had their heart broken.

But anyway, I’m gunna go back two years ago. Almost three now actually. I can say about 3 years ago.

Manny Martinez was his name. Puerto Rican kid with brown curly hair, brown eyes and a decent smile. I was introduced to him by his best friend who was my ex boyfriend who adored me at the time… yea.. that made me feel bad for a moment but I got over it then later on regretted not taking him back.

Any way me and Manny clicked immediately. We talked for hours all the time and not long after we became an item. He was sweet. Always wanted to make me happy. Wanted to do whatever it took. He put me first. He was a good thing for me…

But then he became a bit clingy. And insecure. Very insecure. I could not hang out with any of my friends. The girls or the guys. Because I was bi sexual he didn’t want to risk me leaving him for neither girl or guy. So I was always with him. Never hung out with my friends anymore. If I even asked he’d make me feel terribly guilty for even accepting it. I had to delete all my guy friends number out of my phone.

He became even more controlling. Wanted my passwords to myspace and instant messengers to see who I was talking to. Wanted me to ask him for permission to go out. Once I went to the movies with a girl I hadn’t seen in forever. I knew her since I was about 6 years old. He called me and asked where I was and I told him. I still remember him shouting at me because I didn’t ask him.

The love I had for him went away. And I was more afraid of upsetting him than anything in our relationship. After a few months we took a break. During that break I met a girl named Maria. She was so cute. She wrote me cute letters and poems. She provided that affection that I’d not had before. This did not fly well with Manny. One day he saw a letter I was holding from her at school. He tried to get it from me, made this big scene infront of everyone. I threw it away. He followed me around to my classes and I could not go in he wouldn’t let me. He said he would follow me in and embarrass me infront of the whole class if I did.

Maria left me for another girl.

We got back together. I felt like I had no choice. I was not happy. Once I did try to leave him he threatened to kill himself. i didn’t know if he was crazy enough to do it or not so I stayed. Continued on. Him crying on the phone begging me not to leave him. Walking all the way to my house standing outside my window… it was a mess. Finally it was over.

Oh yea and he made me feel so unpretty. Always telling me I should work out and tone my body. Dress more like a “Black girl” name brand clothes. Wear my hair a certain way. Always pointed out my flaws never made me feel beautiful.

Told me my dream of being a singer was a stupid one. That I can’t live life based on dreams. That if i pursued my career in that I would fail. He wasn’t supportive at all.

That lasted a year and a half. My longest relationship. The worse relationship of my life. I learned something from it though. But that’s not the point of this blog today.

Until Ashley came. Such a cute girl. We had nice times. When he found out about her he went crazy. And we weren’t even together! Stalked me and wouldn’t let me go in my classes just like the last year. He took my book bag and wrote on my planner. Things like “Liar” and “Why did you hurt me?” And other things. On my planner, my note book, even on one of my CDs.

Ashley left me for her ex boyfriend ironically his name was manny.

Vinnie was a sweetheart. But he was a liar. Lie number one. He had a girlfriend. Lie number two. That girlfriend was probably pregnant. I cried and cried and cried. That hurt. Why lie to me that way? He apologized and wanted to be with me… But I can’t be with someone who betrays my trust like that.

there was another girl i dated i forgot her name but she left me for a guy got pregnant by him and married him.

Then there was Bryan. Lil Asian kid I’ve known since I was in 7th grade. We had dated on and off and we decided to try again. It was nice for a bit, and then he started insulting me for no reason. Doing it infront of his friends. Made me feel terrible. I gave him a good cursing out and then I left him.

Angel. This is the situation that is the most like the present one. Me and him never really talked but we had mutual friends. I always thought he was pretty hot, but like he had a girlfriend. Well we got to talking and I found out he liked me. And I liked him as well. Eventually we started dating. It was great. We’d always see each other. He wrote blogs about me on myspace, sent me cute comments, texted me in the mornings while he was at work. Flaunted our relationship to all of his friends…. It was great.

Suddenly, it all stopped. The calling the coming to see me… he grew cold towards me. And it came from no where. He said it bothered him that I said the word draws for underwear. Yea, it’s ebonics but so what! Anyway. finally I asked him if he wanted to be with me and well you can guess what that answer was. I was so heartbroken. I tried to figure out what was wrong but like… I couldn’t find anything.

Next guys name is chris. Just dated him nothing serious. But one day he was like “We can’t talk anymore I love someone else.” And that was the end of that.

Jamie was…. a handful. I was the guy in that relationship it seemed. I paid for eveyrthing and I always had to hear him complain about me living too far away from him. Him having to come and get me. My curfew wasn’t long enough. And not to mention he treated his mother horribly.

He kept like leaving me and coming back. And finally he started ignoring me too. He decided that he couldn’t do this. Couldn’t be in a relationship with me.

Because there was someone else.

Turns out that someone else didn’t want him…

HA!

LC left me for another girl. Well cheated on me with her and then left me.

Corey told me I was his world he thanked God for me every day. I was the greatest thing that happened to him. You know lots of wonderful things.

Yea well he cheated on me too.

Mez was actually one of the few that I can say was a decent boyfriend. I still have a place for him in my heart. We were just on diffrent levels when it came to relationships. I wanted love. He considers a relationship just a really good friendship.

… yea. But we’re still friends.

Oh yea I forgot Alex. We stayed up till like 5 am laughing and talking. Never a dull moment. And well when a tough situation arose in my life he was there for me 100%. Even when my mother had pretty much left me in that situation when she shoudln’tve.

He ignored me. Told me he would rather me be mad at me, than to just up and hurt me. Thought it would be better for me. [like that makes any sense]

But suddenly we just didn’t click anymore. When did that happen? I dunno.

but I was pretty hurt.

So here we are Ive given a brief 3 year history of my heartache. I could go even before then but I think I’ve said too much already. But do you see? See why I’m soooo scared to get hurt? BEcause it really does always happen. And I just… really -sigh- Don’t want that to happen anymore.

I’ve had enough heartache. Clearly.

I remember the first time I saw him.
I had just started working at Borders. It was my orientation day. Back then he had like this ultra straight blonde hair that was like medium ish length. I instantly liked him. And he was so nice. He’s always nice. Like the first night I actually worked we went out to steak and shake with the cafe manager. A bit odd, but I still was glad that he was there.

I remember the night that I told him I liked him. I knew he wasn’t going to feel the same way but I always let people know when I like them. And as I had expected he did not feel the same way [so I thought]

Fast forward to a year later. He does like me. I go to his house. He’s ultra nervous and acting ultra wierd. It was too cute. I held his hand and he had like a mini freak out moment. That was cute too. I looked at him and smiled, and he looked at me. And well… slowly, we kissed. That was such an amazing kiss. And it made me so happy.

And that night, I told him that this made me terrified and yet so happy at the same time. But yet ultra terrified. Because I didn’t wanna get my hopes up and then get hurt again. He asked what he could do to take that feeling away and I told him that it would go away as time passed.

He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Still terrified mind you because of my past. B ut I said you know what it’s worth it to be with this amazing person.

He gave me foot rubs, fed me ice cream, taught me how to shoot pool [which was the day he told me he loved me] , let me cry on his shoulder. Great kisser oh my Goodness! read me poetry took me on a boat, cooked for me, pleased me, told me i was beautiful, always complimented me… always concerned about me.

I had no idea that anything was wrong. The last time we saw one another was when we went out dancing. And we had such a great time! …so I thought. And then next thing I knew he stopped answering my calls I’d call him numerous times, left a voice mail a few times…. still no answer. I got afraid. And I was just trying to convince my self- “No Dya, he’s just busy that’s all.” “He just has a hard time keeping up with his phone. He can’t be thinking about leaving you he has no reason to.” I could barely eat barely sleep… All I could think about was why he wasn’t speaking to me. And well I guess I know why now. Because he was trying to figure out how to break up with me.

God I feel so nieve and stupid. Beleiving that just because he was a nice guy I could trust him. I just let my guard down and said “come on baby. crush my heart.”

And I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t. I see his face flash before my eyes like every 5 seconds. I just… I wanna see him. I wanna hear his voice. At the same time I wanna scream at him. Curse him out. At the same time I wanna say please baby… don’t leave me. I love you, don’t leave me. I’ll do whatever I have to do just please come back. Don’t leave… stay… come back to me. Beg and cry and plead but I know that i can’t do that…

I feel helpless. Because really there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better. I retty much just have to wait it out and cry.

I feel like I’ve been tricked you know?

Like this was all some game.

A joke.

Like he was playing with my heart.

God I just want him to come back. That’s all I want. Him. So bad. I am so fucking torn up right now I haven’t cried this much in ages. Some would say he’s just a guy why let him make you lose yourself but he’s not just some guy to me.

I’m loosing myself because the relationship was flawless to me. And if he had problems then why didn’t he come to me?

HE SAID HE LOVED ME!!!

You love me but yet you kick me aside for stupid reasons?

You love me but yet you can’t put those reasons aside and just be happy with me?

YOU DON’T FUCKING LOVE ME!
YOU DON’T HURT SOMEONE YOU LOVE THE WAY YOU LOVE ME.
YOU DON’T MAKE THEM CRY
YOU DON’T MAKE THEM FEEL EMPTY
YOU DON’T MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY CAN NEVER BE LOVED BY ANYONE!

I feel like there’s no hope.

I feel like… why try?

There’s no good reason to try and find someone else.
I’m so sick of crying.

I have enough stress. Pretty much raising my brother and sister. Hell even my mom. Stressful job. And then I try to have a companion in my life to ease it a little but that makes everything worse.

I still believe that love is a beautiful thing.

But… some how I just… I don’t think that it’s meant for me to have it.

Like I’m cursed or something.

Now I feel stupid for crying.
And confused…
-sigh- and so so so terribly hurt…

i keep saying the same thing over and over again but I’m just really trying to find like… something to say to myself to just make this less hard to go through. Or maybe through this find the answer why this keeps happening to me? Why everyone leaves me… Why he left me? Most importantly right now. Why he won’t just… come back and make it work. Why he made me feel this way. Why he claims to feel like I do be breaks my heart.

Is he crying like me?

Is his heart hurting?

Does he feel like he wants to Die? Because I sure as hell do.

But no. He doesn’t. Because he left me.

It may have stressed him out a little but he is alright I bet.

sorry… okay… Really I am.

I’m not too proud to beg. I would if I knew it would work. Get down on my knees and everything. Humiliate myself. I wouldn’t care. As long as after that he would pick me up, kiss me softly and wipe my tears, tell me how sorry he was for hurting me and tell me that we can work it out. Tell me he loves me and how stupid he was for thinking he could live without me…

But yea. We see how good my luck is don’t we?

I guess I’ll stop talking now.

If you actually read this entire thing then wow. That’s awesome. And thankyou for reading this. And sorry it was so sad. But I’m not one ounce of happy.

Work tomorrow.

God I hate being fake in front of people.

~ by dyadya on January 24, 2008.